


raison d'être

by RatsuyaSuou



Category: Persona 2
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Day At The Beach, During Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Jun-centric, M/M, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26017825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RatsuyaSuou/pseuds/RatsuyaSuou
Summary: With Sumaru City consumed by disaster, Jun has far loftier concerns at hand than taking care of himself. Tatsuya, however, is nothing if not stubborn (and pretty smitten).
Relationships: Kurosu Jun/Suou Tatsuya
Comments: 4
Kudos: 74





	raison d'être

**Author's Note:**

> title translates to "reason for living". jun uses the phrase in some shop in innocent sin. set just after caracol, but before the shadow fights

Jun braced his weight against the wall of the shop, digging his shoulder into the plaster as his mind whirred. The events of the past few days were both deafening and incessant in his thoughts.

Each compounding piece stacked atop one another, a weighty and perilous tower of revelations- learning that Maya had survived the shrine accident, and that his hatred of Tatsuya had burnt unjustified; that his attempts to spread comfort and joy had only doomed the world, and sparked a war within Sumaru City itself; that his father had been leading him to ruin, and appeared to care not whether Jun survived at all. There was no way to order it all, whether by alphabet or chronology or magnitude, so Jun simply cycled through the thoughts as they drifted into mind, chewing on his nails as the impending consequences of his actions surely ravaged the city. 

With so much on his mind, he could be forgiven for not realizing that Tatsuya was staring at him.

“You look stressed,” Tatsuya said, plain and casual, hands resting in his pants pockets and posture uneven. 

“We have to recover the crystal skulls from the temples,” Jun repeated, brushing his hair back from his face and avoiding Tatsuya’s eyes. It was all he could bring himself to say as Tatsuya and the group traveled through the shops of Sumaru City, purchasing armor and supplies. Jun understood the necessity of being well-equipped, but remained anxious nevertheless. “It’s the only way to stop my father.” 

Tatsuya cocked his head. His hand darted to his coat pocket, where Jun heard the click before he saw the lighter- the gift he had presented Tatsuya with all those years ago. Out of all of the shocking revelations of these days, that was perhaps the most unexpected. Jun could hardly believe that even after all this time, Tatsuya still cared. 

It was humbling. 

“Come with me,” Tatsuya said, evidently having reached a decision. He exchanged a knowing nod with Maya, before exiting the shop with a beckoning wave. 

The summer heat waned the farther Sumaru rose atop Xibalba, still potent yet far less so than usual. Jun only felt more nervous outside, however, faced with the clouds close enough to touch in the eye-level sky. A reminder of how terribly his actions had warped their world. 

“Here.”

Jun was taken aback when something heavy landed onto his head, fitting snug around his skull. For a moment he froze, reminded of the mask he had only just wrested off, but immediately felt comforted when his eyes fell upon Tatsuya, and his skin prickled with the brush of Tatsuya’s hands buckling something at Jun’s chin. 

A motorcycle helmet, Jun realized, suddenly bashful. 

“You should be safe.” Tatsuya said. Jun couldn’t help but notice that his head, however, was bare. 

“What of you…?” Jun asked. 

Tatsuya shrugged. “I’m careful.” 

Jun was not particularly comforted, and the worry of receiving a ticket darted through his mind, but he complied nevertheless. Whatever errand Tatsuya wished to accomplish was surely important, and Jun trusted Tatsuya.

The motorcycle engine revved beneath them, and Tatsuya reached backwards, guiding Jun’s arms around his waist. 

“You should hang on,” he advised, and Jun was more than happy to comply, pressing himself into Tatsuya’s back. Tatsuya was pleasantly warm, and the rhythm of his breath held steady as they drove through the city. 

Jun found the tension within begin to ease, if only slightly, when he finally allowed himself to rest his cheek against Tatsuya’s shoulder. Angled like this, held flush to Tatsuya, Jun could simply watch Sumaru City pass by in colorful blurs, too quick to spare a thought. 

He felt safe, travelling with Tatsuya. 

They finally came to a stop in Kounan, where the sun burned bright and the air hung heavy with moisture. Tatsuya had parked just beside Ebisu beach- deserted, in the wake of the havoc all around. Jun blinked in surprise at the time-worn wooden sign. 

“The beach?” he asked. Tatsuya nodded. 

“You shouldn’t be so sad,” he said, lips pressed in concern. “I thought we could have a day to ourselves.” 

Shock stung at Jun even as Tatsuya helped him down. Jun wrapped his arms around his chest, processing the information as Tatsuya fiddled with his bike, hanging the helmet over the handlebars. 

Had Tatsuya really been consumed with worry… about him? Could he truly be willing to sacrifice their precious time to comfort Jun, even as Sumaru descended into madness? It was bold, and perhaps foolhardy, but Jun could hardly deny the spark in his chest at being treated with such warmth and care. 

Perhaps they could spare a bit of time, after all. 

Tatsuya leaned against his motorcycle as he shrugged off his jacket, tossing it over the seat and tugging his tie loose. Jun was left with no option but to watch as Tatsuya’s skin became visible through his pale button-down, and the tie revealed a stretch of his long neck. 

Jun wasn’t in much of a mood to play at fawning on, although he did stutter a little when Tatsuya reached for his jacket- an article Jun kept fastidiously buttoned to his neck whenever possible. He surrendered it without argument- it was lethargically humid here, after all- but felt strangely vulnerable in only a dress shirt.

Jun considered protesting against the outing as Tatsuya lead him down the dock and onto the white sand, but readily determined that any resistance was doomed to fail. Tatsuya was a stubborn man, even if they had a verifiable mountain of worthier concerns than Jun’s disposition at their doorstep. 

It soon seemed, however, that Tatsuya may have been right. The moment that Jun stepped onto the beach, it was as though every thought in his mind had melted away in the heat. As the fresh scent of the sea encircled him, and the lull of the waves brushed up against his ears, Jun felt, finally, as though he might be able to relax. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he had been to the beach. 

Jun took long strides towards the ocean, as though he could physically feel the touch of an invisible hand at his back, driving him forwards. He knew well the call of dreams, of passion, and of destiny, and heeded what drew him over the dunes of sand. 

The buoyant, whipped clouds repeating through the endless sky above, the expanse of aquamarine waves pressing up against the shore… Jun took it all in with hungry eyes, filled with a longing to be closer, to touch, to feel. 

Jun only halted when a wet sensation had come up to his ankles, looking down to find that he had already stepped into the ocean- with his shoes and socks still on, no less. The waves had soaked through to chill his feet, leaving them sopping wet, and caught on his shins, spraying upwards and staining his pant legs.

A short bark of laughter sounded out at his back, and Jun turned his chin to see Tatsuya with an uncharacteristic smile on his lips. 

Jun’s heart folded in two. Seeing Tatsuya’s stern face, wrought with frown lines, free in the bliss of happiness felt like a gift. He was utterly beautiful like this. 

“Come back, Jun,” Tatsuya pleaded, arms outstretched, although his expression remained light. Jun shuffled his feet up from where they had sunk into the damp sand, walking back to the bank where Tatsuya still stood. 

As he approached, Tatsuya peeled his shirt off, throwing it over his head and to the ground in a heap. He stood there, bare, with his shoulders broad and open, far too proud to consider shame or modesty. Jun couldn’t help but survey his musculature, running under sunkissed skin and guiding the paths of the sweat that remained, dripping in trails around his pecs and ribs. Tatsuya’s eyes flicked up, meeting Jun’s flushed stare. 

“It’s hot,” he explained. Jun could see that; Tatsuya’s bronzed chest was still dotted in small pearls of moisture. 

Tatsuya, eternally unbothered as he was, took a seat atop the sand, legs stretched to their fullest. He stared out across the scenery in pleasant silence while Jun crouched down beside him, crossing his legs. The sand clung to the wet patches of his pants, crumbly and irritating, but with Tatsuya so close, Jun couldn’t possibly care. It seemed that Tatsuya’s laisse-faire attitude was infectious. 

As Tatsuya shifted slightly, running his sharp eyes along the coastline, Jun found himself met with the more mundane, yet equally alluring sight of his powerfully built back. After careful study, Jun found it far different to the allure of Tatsuya’s chest, dusted with myriad scars and discolored by half healed bruises. It seemed that brutal hands had taken to every inch of Tatsuya, and a sorrowful rage burned at Jun from the thought. 

Jun reached out, but his fingers curled, and he drew his hand back slightly. He was struck with the sudden sense of nervousness, wondering if perhaps a touch was too forward- but persevered nonetheless, ghosting a touch over Tatsuya’s shoulder blade. His largest scar ran just to the left of it, an ugly tear through Tatsuya’s back, and Jun winced in sympathy. This was the awful residue of Sudou’s blade, plunged there when Tatsuya was only a child. 

Sorrow washed over Jun, mixed with guilt. That had been the fateful day Tatsuya had held fast to their promise, and protected Maya with all his might. He still held the scars, an eternal reminder of his bravery, and Jun had willfully denied that reality. 

“It doesn’t hurt.” 

Jun’s thoughts came to a pause when Tatsuya smiled at him. 

“It used to,” Tatsuya said, jutting his chin towards the scar, “but not anymore.” 

Jun’s heart weighed heavy in his chest. “I am sorry.” 

An image of Tatsuya entered his mind unbidden, a mere child dwarfed by the sword in his chest, stinking of ash, and smoke, and blood as unimaginable pain frayed his nerves. Jun had never been stabbed before. The worst in recent memory was Tatsuya’s sword grazing him during their battle, and Jun loathed to imagine a pain more extreme, more rending, and at such a young age. 

Warmth curled around Jun’s hand. Jun looked up to see Tatsuya’s kind eyes, as his hand pulsed over Jun’s. 

“Don’t apologize.” Tatsuya said, in a voice gravelly and rough, yet dripping in kindness. A soothing feeling wrapped around Jun, whispering that Tatsuya’s pain had not been his fault, that there was nothing for him to bear. 

“The other scars,” Jun breathed, remembering the patchwork of smaller injuries- still fresh. “Marks inflicted by my hand…” 

“No.” Tatsuya lifted Jun’s hand, rubbing rough, calloused skin against Jun’s. “You are not at fault.”

The demons, Jun knew he was thinking, Kashihara, the Masked Circle. Tatsuya was willing to blame all parties involved but Jun himself. 

“I have no option but to accept responsibility.” Jun’s eyes fell shut. “If I wish to atone, I must mend what I have wrought… and my many sins began with you, Tatsuya.” 

Judge, jury, and executioner; Jun had declared Tatsuya guilty and carried out his terrible sentence. He had levied torture against an innocent man while himself carrying out abhorrent deeds. Now Jun bore the scars within- regrets, guilt, shame. 

“What could I possibly do…?” Jun whispered. The breeze caressed his face, damp and salty. “How could I repay the debt I’ve incurred?” 

Jun opened his eyes when Tatsuya released his hand, watching as Tatsuya leaned back, palms splayed across the sand.

“What are you doing for the rest of it?” Tatsuya asked.

“I shall begin by alleviating my errors, I suppose.” Jun said, mouth dry. The ocean rolled in the distance, exhaling into the beach. “Perhaps if we recover the crystal skulls, we will be capable of stopping Xibalba, defeating the Last Battalion and restoring the shadowmen… If we are able to accomplish that much, I must think on the rest.” 

Clouds puffed around the horizon, and as seagulls crowed in the distance, Jun felt a strange sense of peace descend upon him. He didn’t know, precisely, if he deserved it, as the city spiraled into the chaos of his design, but nevertheless Jun allowed himself to be lulled.

If they were successful, Jun could find some manner of improving the world- not simply rectifying his errors, but creating a better reality, just as he had originally hoped to. Perhaps then he could finally grasp the dream which floated around his mind, the hazy image of a quaint flower shop and the strong arms of a husband who strongly resembled Tatsuya. 

“Will that make you happy?” 

“Huh?” Jun blinked, cheeks reddening, mind racing at the slim possibility that Tatsuya somehow knew about his fantasy. 

Tatsuya’s eyes were steady, unblinking. “Will atoning make you happy?” 

“Of course.” Jun hardly needed to think. 

Tatsuya set his jaw. He nodded, firm. 

“Then I am satisfied.” He said, voice gentle. A rush of emotion burst around Jun, like fireworks in his stomach. Tatsuya wanted him happy above all else. Jun could see in his eyes, deep and understanding, that he wished only for the monsters plaguing Jun to lie defeated, and for Jun himself to know peace. Recovery was penance enough. 

Jun’s eyes brimmed with tears at the kindness. He didn’t deserve Tatsuya. 

“Come.” 

Tatsuya had risen to his feet and bent down, hand outstretched in Jun’s direction. The cloying guilt in Jun’s stomach could do little for how inviting the picture was- handsome Tatsuya and his strong arm offered just for Jun, with the fresh wind blowing past and rolling waves at his back. 

Despite his better judgement, Jun allowed himself the luxury. Tatsuya guided him to his feet, hopelessly gentle, and allowed his touch to linger only slightly too long before releasing Jun’s hand. 

“I saw you wanted to wade.” Tatsuya said, eyes anchored to the ground, cheeks red. Jun felt himself smile as he nodded. Tatsuya was always attentive. 

It only required a few steps for the pair to return to the water, where the sand darkened and crumbled, sinking with each footstep. Tatsuya didn’t bother rolling up his pants legs, simply walking into the ocean with his usual braggadocio. Jun stood back at the ocean’s mouth, watching with rapt attention, wondering where he had learned such lackadaisical confidence. 

How did one became the sort of man who always had his chin raised high? 

“They will dry,” Tatsuya said, eyebrows knit in worry as he looked back to Jun- noticing Jun’s concern, yet misidentifying the source of his worries. Jun glanced downwards at his already-stained pants legs, half-finished thoughts about holding them up discarded. 

Tatsuya was right. There was little reason to keep a clean school uniform during the end of the world. 

The sea was still cool to the touch, and soothing against Jun’s sore calf muscles as he pressed through the shallows to where Tatsuya was standing. It was easy to mark the banks of sand through the water and avoid the pockets of depth, with the sea clear enough to distinguish each grain of sand and chipped shell beneath the surface. 

The waves rippled in a mirror, Jun observed, reflecting the silvery clouds above. He could catch a glimpse of his own eyes, and the dark of his hair on occasion, a distorted version flickering between each crashing wave. Jun watched his reflection, featureless streaks of color, follow as he walked, attempting in vain to study the image before it washed away once more. 

Another reflection cast to the side of his, however, and Jun looked up to see Tatsuya himself, calf-deep in the water. The same feeling of recognition rose in Jun’s chest when he met Tatsuya’s eyes, familiar and intimately known. Jun saw Tatsuya’s features as he would his own, engraved in the deepest recesses of his mind and soul. 

Tatsuya, however, was squarely focused on the horizon, staring once again into the distance. 

“Should the water be flowing down?” Tatsuya asked. “Now that Sumaru is flying…” 

Jun shook his head. “The models always surrounded the city with a ring… I would assume that the real Xibalba behaves much the same.” 

Tatsuya nodded, accepting the answer, and Jun joined his leisurely study of the scenery, eyes locked out and over to where the waves disappeared. 

It was a beautiful sight; the deep blue ocean with tufts of clouds reflected in light streaks. The sea breeze tousled Jun’s hair, scattering his bangs across his face and tugging his loose dress shirt about his shoulders. Jun tucked his wayward bangs behind his ear, rocked by a giggle when he saw Tatsuya met with the same trouble. His rusty hair had whipped everywhere it was able to, particularly obstructing his eyes.

Jun took tactical advantage of Tatsuya’s confusion, ducking down and splashing a handful of water across his chest- mindful to avoid Tatsuya’s pants. He held his hands up in preemptive defense, eyes screwed shut in anticipation of Tatsuya’s counterattack, but nothing came of him but laughter. 

Jun cracked open an eye. “You’re not…?”

Tatsuya blinked at him, still smiling, yet entirely sincere when he asked, “how could I?” 

“You’re entirely…” Jun let the words spin out, breathless, as he supplied answers in his mind. Unbelievable. A complete, unbelievable, soft fool, and Jun hardly knew if he had enough heart to love Tatsuya as he wanted. 

“We can sit back down,” Tatsuya offered, ever the gentleman, and Jun nodded his assent. As they waded back through the shallows Jun found it difficult to pull his gaze away, memorizing the way the sun warmed Tatsuya’s skin and shone in his reddish hair. 

As soon as they reached the shore, Tatsuya threw himself supine, staring upwards at the sky. Despite his clinging, soggy pants, and the water droplets speckled against his bare chest, he seemed comfortable. Jun decided, though he would surely regret it later, that if Tatsuya seemed this peaceful, the sand in his hair and stuck to his clothes surely could not be so bad. 

He laid down by Tatsuya’s side, albeit more slowly and carefully, and found that despite the itch of sand digging into his skin, Tatsuya had been right once again. The view of the sky was unmatched, and laying back after a day of stress felt soothing, particularly where Jun could glance over and watch Tatsuya’s breaths pass through his chest. 

Jun reveled in the quiet, content simply to doze as the clouds swept across the sky above, though he couldn’t quite remember the names of their formations. He decided that when this was over, he would read about meteorology sometime. 

But for now, appreciating beauty was far more than enough. The ostinato of each wave at the shore, the warm gust at his cheeks; all of it was perfect. 

“I can’t remember a time like this,” Jun finally breathed, words in the air, blowing across the sea. “For so long I became Joker…” 

The trump card of the damned, purveyor of dreams, emperor of the ideal… he had been swept up and used by conviction, by rumor, and by fate, hollowed out and carved by a movement he had never been able to control.

“…I lost myself.” 

Tatsuya’s next words were soft. “I know.” 

“I hadn’t been to the ocean in years.” Jun traced clouds with his eyes across the delicate blue. He felt so small faced with the sky, yet comforted by his own insignificance. 

Perhaps his mistakes were mere footnotes in the universe at large. 

“Life was so… elusive. I cannot remember dining out with my family, or seeing movies with my father, nor simple pleasures like reading, or even the meals I ate…”

Like the sand at the ocean’s mouth, raked and reformed at every beat of the waves. Rumors had followed each step of the mysterious masked figure, morphing him, forming him through the court of public opinion. Joker was more symbol than man. 

And Jun Kurosu had been cast aside to nothingness. 

“Do you remember the emptiness I described to you?” 

Jun heard the sand beneath Tatsuya’s head shift as he nodded. “You were searching for your dream.” 

Jun could remember the sensation readily, an encompassing hole in his chest gnawing where his heart should have been. It left him with such dread as his life ticked away, as day after day slipped through his fingers with no dedicated purpose. 

Jun had always consumed himself further in the Masked Circle then, dedicating more and more to his role as Joker- time, energy, thought. He began to live with his father, ceased to attend school, sacrificed everything he could. 

The last time Jun had visited his most cherished flower shop he had nearly realized how wholly consumed he had become. Walking amongst the colorful arrays of plants, his place of refuge, the only thought in his mind had been which bloom would accurately convey his vow to defeat Tatsuya. 

Jun couldn’t help but wonder now if that had been where the emptiness had originated all along. 

“I’m still looking too.” Tatsuya’s voice sounded by Jun’s side, heavy. “I thought maybe I would go to college, like Katsuya… but I don’t know what I would study.” 

“I was considering college, too.” Jun replied. “Before…”

Before their home became a city ripped to shreds by an ancient spaceship, before reality itself cracked and split under the weight of rumor. Jun wondered, idly, if Sumaru University had survived the ascent into the clouds. Perhaps they were still accepting applications. 

“I would go with you.” 

Jun turned to lie on his cheek, facing Tatsuya. “You truly mean it?” 

“I felt too uncertain before to apply. My future is just… different with you.” Tatsuya explained, eyes still trained on the sky above. “It feels clearer.” 

Jun understood the sentiment already, but it was only reinforced when his eyes met Tatsuya’s, and he felt as Tatsuya did- the security of being at one another’s sides, an underlying knowledge that no matter what may come, they were capable. Jun knew, that so long as Tatsuya was near, he had the strength and perseverance to live. 

Hope swept across Tatsuya’s eyes, shining bright against the chestnut brown, and Jun realized how deeply he had missed this sight, how dear Tatsuya was to him, how beautiful every part of him was. He had been reunited with his doppelganger, his other half, and finally, they were whole. 

Jun hoped that their children would have eyes like those. 

“I think,” Jun said, as warmth spread through his body, and his soul swelled whole and full, “my dream was closer than I imagined.” 

Seagulls cawed in the distance as Tatsuya linked his fingers in Jun’s, drawing them up to the space between their faces and resting atop the golden crumbs of sand. It was all too lovely to be true, like a painting; seeing Tatsuya with such a soft expression and feeling the warmth of his hand, of his breath as he pressed Jun’s fingers to his lips. 

The two of them laid there, adrift in the moment they shared, blissful in each other’s company as time floated by as leisurely as the waxen clouds in the sky above. Peace finally enveloped Jun’s corner of the world when the sea pulsed like a heartbeat, like their two beating in tandem.


End file.
